Thursday, February 27, 2014
"I believe in the big bang theory. God said it and BANG it happened!"
Emphasis (and lack of comma) once again, not mine.
I'm not sure what Miss Too-much Face here is trying to get at. What this (ironic quote) question (close ironic quote) really says to me is: "I can't think of a viable question, so I'm going to write down something I saw on a bumper sticker once in 1983 and grin sheepishly."
Jesus H Fuck.
No, cupcake... just no.
I'm not sure if it's my blood boiling, or my sugar dropping, but this stupidity is so overwhelming, I've got the shakes. Hopefully the Goldfish crackers will sort it.
Why is this even included? It's almost as if Buzzfeed is daring us to ridicule this.
I'm not one ot pass up a dare.
Alright, sweetheart, listen up: God didn't say anything. The big bang happened without him, just like every other thing that's ever happened in the history of EVER. You'd know that if you'd ever gotten a big bang yourself, but I suspect the only way you'd ever encounter that is by way of some frat house dare. That being said, what you believe is of no consequence. Beliefs do not change facts. Period.
Go find your handler, and stop wandering around when adults are trying to talk.
I'm done. You're dismissed.
I know you readers are probably wondering why I'd even address this one instead of skipping it (and if you're not, tough shit, I'm going to tell you anyway).
The simple fact is that this fluffy, Marty Feldman-eyed cat lady completely screwed someone out of a stimulating evening listening to a very logically sound (if not one-sided) debate, and that pisses me off. She obviously wasn't paying attention to anything that was said by either party (let alone her eighth-grade science teacher). She took up space and wasted it.
Instead of being at this debate vapidly looking about the room and blissfully nodding her head every time she heard the "G" word, someone else could have had that ticket and maybe learned something. It was an educational opportunity completely squandered.
Thankfully, the debate was live-streamed.
This does raise a question though, for which I've not yet gotten a satisfactory answer. This is posed at all of you believers:
Aside from the fact that your preacher, pastor, priest, or parent has told you so, WHY do you believe that one single book written by several authoritarian members of a bronze age tribe is the divine word of a creator? Never mind the mysticism, and don't give me that "I feel it in my heart" shit. What is it that makes this explanation the only one your minimally convoluted brain will allow?
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Anyway, I need to take a moment to address a little something:
Arizona Senate bill 1062.
Am I the only one who realizes this isn't just an "anti-gay" bill?
Do people honestly not realize this is an "anti-everyone" bill?
While I wholeheartedly agree that this abomination will set a precedent for legalized discrimination against the LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ community, surely you MUST be aware that it sets a precedent for legalized discrimination against EVERYONE, right?
SB1062 , if you read it (and feel free to do so, the link is right fucking there), isn't giving Arizona businesses the right to refuse service to gay and lesbian people...
It's giving EVERY LEGAL ENTITY in Arizona the right to refuse service to ANYONE based on their religious beliefs.
Think about that.
Take all the time you need...
This means a Christian business can refuse service to Mormons, Jehova's witnesses, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Satanists, Wiccans, Pastafarians, Hindus... OMG... Hindus can refuse service to Christians, Mormons, Jehova's Witnesses, Muslims, Atheists, Satanists, Wiccans, Pastafarians, cows, pigs, ...
No one will be able to shop at a 7-11 in Arizona!
Yeah, sure, that's a little racist, but for comedic effect, you can forgive me. Especially once you realize the magnitude of this clusterfuck.
SB 1062 isn't bad for homosexuals.
Wait for it...
It's bad for EVERYONE.
It's the most divisive piece of legislature I've seen in my lifetime. I've read about others (Jim Crow laws, et al), but I never expected to see such a flamboyant display of douchebaggery in this modern civilization.
Dear Governor Brewer:
The 1950s called. They want their legislation back.
All joking aside, this is an abysmal initiative that isn't worth the stale air in the head of the representative it came from, and if the flabbergasted outcry of the constituents of Arizona isn't enough to convince their reps to rescind it (and I mean very fucking swiftly), perhaps there's another solution.
EVERYONE enact their right to refuse service.
Eventually, someone at some point will need some money (likely the state itself), and they'll see what ridiculous nonsense this rolled out shit stain is. They'll yank it faster than a twelve year old boy watching the scrambled Playboy channel while his parents are asleep.
I know that isn't really feasible, because a long time ago, humans got into the habit of eating regularly and sleeping in comfortable homes, but it would make the point, wouldn't it?
Here's an even better idea:
Read the fucking constitution of the fucking United States! Pay special attention to the first fucking amendment (especially that whole establishment clause thingy)! While it can be argued that by including all religions, this bill doesn't establish one for preferential treatment, it will not only allow, it will actually promote religious discrimination. It will deny United states citizens some of their privileges and immunities (especially when you consider how quickly things can become deregulated and privatized... USPS, anyone?) I'm pretty sure there's already some law or another against that, right?
"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."And just in case it isn't abundantly clear:
"No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States;"Not "straight citizens."
Not "Christian citizens."
Not "White citizens."
And as we can see, that covers "All persons born or naturalized in the United States."
Monday, February 24, 2014
It seems after the great Blogger crash of 2014, I've returned.
Thanks for your patience (I'm assuming you've been patient, because it's easier on my ego than realizing you likely didn't notice the lack of new material).
I'm still plugging away at Buzzfeed's 22 Questions... because, let's face it, I enjoy it (sort of).
Today's question is the ninth one down, and the eighth I'm answering, since the first one was pointed directly at Mr. The Science Guy, and I am not he. It comes from a young woman who appears to be a hair's breadth away from full-blown anaphylaxis...
Or, she's not-so-secretly a Cabbage Patch doll...
"If God did not create everything, how did the first single-celled organism originate? By Chance?"
...technically, but there's just a teensy-weensy bit more to it than that.
You see, Mitzy (or whatever they named you at the factory), science is oodles of fun, and super-neat, but it isn't quite as cut and dry as some other "explanations" for stuff. In other words, things like life, the universe, and everything are a bit too complex to just boil down to a simple "forty-two." That's just an easy way to dismiss the question and move on to more amusing stuff.
Like mauling children with bears for making fun of a bald guy...
This question has already been covered multiple times.
Over, and over, and over again.
Quite notably, as a matter of fact, by National Geographic (they started out as a much more sciencey publication many, many moons ago) who covered this question FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO!
This isn't a "claim." it's proven data:
"... The probability that humans were created separately from everything else is 1 in 10 to the 6,000 power."
Let me put that into perspective for you:
There is a
...chance that a magical fucking sky genie scooped up some dust, formed it into a dude, then forgot to give that dude something to shove his cock into, put him to sleep, snatched his rib, and made him a playmate.
There are metric fucktons of organisms out there with varying cell counts. You know why?
The fucking Earth has been around for 4,500,000,000 years.
With a "B."
There's we, the homo sapiens sapiens...
My dog, who has far fewer cells, because she's only eight weeks old...
And because she's only eight weeks old, she has tiny turds full of dead parasitic worms with even fewer cells...
who in turn have bacteria in their own gut...
bacteria which, I'm willing to bet, has a better grasp of rudimentary biology than you do.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Exhausting as this might be, it's a necessary evil.
Today's question comes from yet another dainty-bearded fellow who looks like he's just opened a shop in Colorado and smoked all the inventory.
"Where do you derive objective meaning in life?"
I'd like to point out that the emphasizing underline is his, not mine.
To be perfectly honest with you, I'm not even sure how to answer this; mainly because I don't really understand the question. I mean... dude... do you even science? Scientific study, by its nature, is objective. So, I suppose the answer to that question can be boiled down very succinctly to, "Science."
The question is: "Where do you derive objective meaning in life?"
So, I'm confused...
Scientists usually use a laboratory or research facility of some kind, so I suppose that could be the "where."
But enough silliness... I suspect this cheeky, glassy-eyed fellow wants some sort of comparison to that poorly plotted out, edited-beyond-belief, exalted necronomicon-cum-moral guidebook they all seem to fancy.
While it's true that we rational types don't rigidly and blindly follow the Bible, that doesn't mean we have no source from which to derive
And most of them have better story lines, plot twists, and cohesion.
And better moral examples.
Might I recommend Aesop?
I know this might make your brain kind of sting, but one book written by hundreds of people thousands of years ago (and several decades after the death of its main character) is nowhere to derive objective meaning for anything.
It's quite SUBjective, in fact.
Here's where it gets a little complicated...
You can't derive objective meaning in life.
Because that's no fucking life. That's simply existence. Even if you zip off to your fortress of solitude and ponder the meaning of your own role in the world, by the very nature of what you're doing, you're being subjective about it. You have to.
You want objective meaning?
As in "without personal feelings or biases?"
Eat, shit, fuck, sleep, repeat.
There's your your objectivity.
Now, if you want meaning... true meaning... well, you have to find that out for yourself.
Everyone's path is different.
Everyone's purpose is different.
If you haven't found yours yet, don't give up.
Maybe putting the only book you've ever almost read down will help.
Look up once in awhile. take some deep breaths, Ponder. Think without being told what to think.
Let your mind wander.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Continuing with my diatribe on Buzzfeed's 22 Questions, we have this gem, offered up by a woman who looks like she has magic crystals hanging on every sash, curtain rod, and door jamb of her house:
"What about Noetics?"
What about it?
Just because you've given a ridiculous idea a special name, doesn't mean it's no longer a ridiculous idea.
What about excremeditation (deep thought while taking a shit)?
What about sphincto-vegetation-induced epiphanies (the realization that maybe you shouldn't stick a bell pepper in your asshole while you have a bell pepper stuck in your asshole)?
Fancy names don't give things merit. Quantifiable data does.
There is merit to the idea that you can change the course of your own life via changing your own thought process, but that has everything to do with the nature of positive actions following positive thoughts and producing positive results. The same can be seen in a negative loop. That's just basic psychology and willpower, and it has nothing to do with telekinesis.
You cannot affect the physical properties of actual things by thought alone.
You can "think you can" like the little engine that could all you like - and you can be right - and sometimes wrong, but c'est la vie, no?
What you can't do, is think something to be true, and have it become true because you thought about it hard enough.
That's why they (never mind who they are, we all know they're experts) say "wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills faster."
That's called magical thinking.
I believe children are able to overcome this mental deficiency at about three. You might as well be insisting that something isn't there because you can't see it.
But isn't that basically what young Earth creationists are known for anyway?
Things don't appear because you want them to, and they don't disappear if you choose to ignore them.
Don't believe me?
Take a long walk off a short cliff, but before you get to the end, wish really hard that the edge would extend under your feet, and see what happens.
Let me know how that works out for you.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Continuing with my 21 pat series on Buzzfeed's 22 Questions, much to your chagrin and mine (seriously, what the fuck did I get myself into?), we have the following tired old rhetoric:
"If the big bang theory is true and taught as science along with evolution, why do the laws of thermodynamics debunk said theory?"
You just don't understand the big bang theory, evolution, or the laws of thermodynamics. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to wager you don't understand the words "true," or "science" either.
I initially found it amusing that this person chose not to include themself in the photo, but after waking from my facepalm-induced nap, I can understand.
Obviously, whomever scrawled this ridiculous question (for the 3,141,592th time) already knows it's bullshit.
You're a troll, aren't you?
Certainly, you must realize that the laws of thermodynamics do NOT debunk the big bang theory or evolution, right?
Fuck this question.
Fuck it right in its squeaky clean balloon knot.
With something sharp.
If you really want to know the answer to the question you're trying desperately to pretend to ask, see my earlier post on this same slimy turd of a question.
That's right, some other dainty-bearded douche already beat you to it.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
If you've made it this far into my slow, tedious series answering Buzzfeed's 22 Questions... congratulations! You're to be commended on your iron constitution.
Today's question comes from what might just be Fox's new anchor woman.
"How do you explain the sunset if their (sic) is no God?"
Oh. My. Fuck.
Okay, listen up, future-ex-mrs.-O'Reilly, there's a well known (though apparently not as well-known as I'd hoped) concept called heliocentrism. We've known about it since Galileo, but folks weren't too keen on it back then.
It describes the Earth's orbit around the sun (Stay with me; I know this is making the air in your head whoosh around a bit).
Since the Earth is a solid object through which light cannot pass, about half of it gets sunshine (barring a cloudy or overcast day) while the other half goes night-night.
As the Earth (that's the rather large, spherical rock on which you amble about spreading the horror of ignoring the use of the proper "there") rotates on its (that's another homophone, don't let it trip you up, cupcake) axis, the area upon which the sun shines changes.
Still with me?
Okay, here's where it gets a little confusing.
The sun is always shining. It doesn't go out, or switch off. It's actually not even shining, so much as in a state of constant fusion and on fire, but that's another lesson altogether. It's the Earth (remember that planet thingy you're standing on?) That actually both spins on its axis, and circumnavigates (that's fancy talk for "follows a set, predictable path around") the sun.
Now, since your blessed little house with all its cats (because let's be honest, you have a dozen, don't you?) Doesn't circumnavigate the big planet thingy in the direction opposite the one in which the big planet thingy circumnavigates the sun (that's the big, bright, fiery thingy in the sky during the day), it appears that the sun is setting when it's time for you to rest your weary head.
In fact, the sun is not setting at all. It is moving on an elliptical path of its own, but thanks to gravity (another theory with which I'm certain you're unfamiliar), our big planet thingy keeps near enough to the big fiery thingy to be warm enough to sustain life without being cold enough to destroy it (with the exception of some parts of New Jersey, apparently)
For sunrise, just try to understand that since the big planet thingy continues to spin (because it doesn't stop), and it's a sphere (think of a circle, but three-dimensional, and solid), the big fiery thingy appears to come back up on the other side of your cat-infested hut.
You know what?
Just pray to it, and don't have any children.
You're dismissed with a condescending pat on the head.